I think this is what they mean by moving on.

Blogs are a curious thing.  These days, it seems like everyone has a blog.  Including me obviously, since you’re here.  If you’ve followed me from the link on my “old” blog, you know that I’ve been sporadic the last few years or so in posting anything.   When I started blogging, it was because I needed an outlet to write about my younger sister Emily’s death.  Why a public blog and not a private journal?  I started writing a blog initially as an open site for anyone to write and share memories about Emily, but it ended up being mostly me writing.  And for a few years it helped.  But then I ran out of things to say.  Or at least anything new to say. The story never really changes- and there are only so many times you can say “I miss Emily”.

So like me, my blog got stuck.  I started the blog centered around Emily, and when I wasn’t sure what more there was to write about her, I didn’t know how to write about anything else.  Let me rephrase that- I felt almost guilty writing about anything else other than Emily.  Like writing about my life instead of her meant that I was starting to get over it.

I believe this is what they call “moving on”.  It took me awhile to realize that this is not a bad thing. Life goes on, as much as I wish sometimes I could go back.  And while there are times that I find myself missing my sister so much it hurts to breathe, those moments are not as paralyzing as they once were.  I felt like I wanted to start over with my old blog- to make it mine and not a shrine to my sister. I debated how I wanted to do that.  I thought about deleting the whole thing and starting over. But there’s a lot of history there- good, bad, and sometimes ugly, but history that I don’t want to forget. I thought about making those posts “hidden” so only I could see them. There are a lot of posts that I would like to forget- and in many ways my beliefs have changed so that I don’t even feel like the same person, but yet there’s a lot of who I was in those words.  But at the same time, a lot has changed in 9 years. I’ve moved. I’ve changed jobs.  I’ve made incredible new friends. I’ve traveled. I’ve fallen in and out of what I thought was love.  I am not defined by the death of my sister anymore, and I like the fact that the people I interact with on a daily basis don’t know about her unless I choose to tell them.  I feel like I’ve crossed that line of “then” and “now”, and in some ways I feel like I need a clean break.  Emily will always be with me.  But those writings and that history are then.  I am ready to be here in the now.  So I’m leaving Emily’s story right where it is.

So in an age of a blog for every topic, what do I have to add to it?  I don’t have a fascinating life to write about.  I’m not famous, I haven’t invented anything, and I don’t travel to exotic places (often).  I don’t have anything to contribute to politics, religion, or solutions for world peace.  I don’t have cute kids to post pictures of, and I am afraid to post too many photos of my cats because I am dangerously close to being labeled as a 30- something year old crazy cat lady.   So where does that leave me and my little blog? No idea.  But I like to write, so here I am.  Just musing my way through an ordinary life!